So things are...uh...popping off. Like, everywhere. Birdsite. Midterms. Ukraine. And so on. Shit's wild right now. Like everyone, I'm just trying to keep swimming.
And the thing running in the background for me: GRIEF. Or as I've been calling it, shame-grief.
My ex-fiancé died in June. Massive heart attack on his bicycle. Probably didn't feel a thing. 54 yrs old. I loved him madly, once. He was also my abuser. We had a complicated, toxic relationship, and he did bad stuff. But not right away.
In the "before time," before things went to shit and he did some bad stuff that messed me up so badly I'm still in therapy for it, 15 years later...I was hopelessly, madly, manically in love with this dude.
And he died, just like that, and I have been grappling with grieving the guy I loved once--because I can't go back and undo that--and feeling relief that he's not around to torment me anymore.
This is...confusing. To say the least.
It feels shameful to want to grieve the love part. The part where I was in love. The person I was in love with. This is why I'm calling it shame-grief.
It's the same kind of shame that says "You wanted it. Everything he did, you were asking for it."
So how exactly do you grieve an abuser you were batshit over before he revealed his inner sadist? How does that work? Mad love, even as he was messing with your head & taking parts of you that didn't belong to him?
And because he messed with your head, how do you know that the person you loved was even real? How do you know he didn't MAKE you love him through world-class mind games?
Shame-grief.
I dunno if anyone else has been through this--the sudden, unexpected death of a person who was both beloved and a boogeyman (in that order)--but I have been a head case since June. So I haven't been on CoSo at all, and I've been trying to get my head right.
@GirlMeetsBrass Have experienced something remarkably similar and it takes quite a while to extricate yourself from the manipulations and machinations of the person you loved (mine was a 5 year relationship with a malignant narcissist, hell on wheels emotional sadist who eventually became physically abusive too , and super control freak) even just getting away from them is tough. Then you get the call informing you they've died and it starts the inner turmoil going again but it's also freeing.
@GirlMeetsBrass Mine had total control over me as well...not only was he my boss for nearly 5 years he was also my landlord. When it became clear I was no longer willing to play exactly by his rules he evicted me!! I can't begin to express the feelings your post brought up in me!
@Embers Yes. When I got that phone call, I felt light-headed and sick, but I couldn't tell if that was relief or not. I think it was. I was involved with this guy and the power dynamics were very unhealthy (he held a position of authority over me). Mind games galore, coercion, manipulation, but sparks and passion and some of the most fun I've ever had too.
That phone call closed a door, but dropped the past in my lap. It's been 5 months (to the day, it was June 5) and I'm still lost.