#FirstCoffeeThoughts

I am going out today to look at RVs.

I doubt very much we will end up buying one given all the horror stories I've been reading about, the lawsuits with RV companies, the ongoing expense and maintenance, gas and diesel prices, safety concerns, declining quality of builds, and numerous other downsides. But I still want to check some out and just see what's out there.

Our appointment isn't until noon but already my stress is sky high and my checklist has begun ...

1/

When I was younger the only thing I tended to worry about was if someone called me sir because I present rather masculine and this is even after shaving. I have always been MoC (Masculine of Center) which back in the day was simply called "being a tomboy" and occasionally people would call me sir if they weren't paying attention. These days, of course, it's more that people think I'm transitioning in some direction they can't determine and it comes with more a hostility than a "oops sorry".

2/

I have a checklist of things I go through to prepare for any time spent outside where I will encounter strangers ... this is both a checklist to account for high anxiety, gender concerns, racial concerns, and generalized "crazy people" concerns as the world has gone batshit crazy. I have always had a checklist ... but in the past 10 years it's gotten longer and more complicated.

The exhausting checklist is one of the reasons why I do not ever leave my house unless absolutely necessary ...

3/

If you are someone who has no checklist whatsoever ... you must be someone of a very high level of privilege and congratulations.

It must be really nice to just wake up, get dressed, and go out to run errands or enjoy lunch out somewhere or meet with friends and have absolutely not one worry or concern at all about how you will be treated or if you will be safe or even make it down the highway without being pulled over and shot for no reason.

That must be incredible. No sarcasm.

4/

I have been communicating with the very nice man at the RV dealership for about a week.

He texted me and said if I had any questions he'd be happy to answer them and he's been incredibly generous with his time and I have been repeatedly telling him how thankful and grateful I am that he's been so kind.

As a salesman I'm sure this is part of his who schtick to sell RVs but still ... he was answering questions even over the weekend very kindly and politely with smatterings of smile emojis.

5/

My first thought on my checklist is always ...

1. What happens when I get there and he sees I'm Black. How does this change his attitude? How will he treat me? The same still? Or will his attitude change?

I go by Elaine which I have been told is "misleading" so people don't expect a Black person ... that's fair-ish I guess.

So the first thing is preparing for that change in his attitude even in a subtle sense. I prepare myself for microaggression and macro ones as well.

6/

2. How I present. I have large breasts and I present rather masculine and - now that I've stopped shaving and hiding most of my #hirsutism - I have a pretty epic mustache.

I have tattoos, piercings, and a deep-ish voice. I tend to pitch up my voice on the phone and in the world so that white people don't freak out. When I present more friendly they tend to overlook how I appear.

This is automatic ... and many Black people do this sometimes unconsciously.

I try to put people at ease.

7/