I want to dive into some gaming today. It's been a while since I was able to completely free up hours to engage with gaming media content properly. A lot of the games I have been trying, with the exception of #Banishers, have been boring and uninspired and just not engaging for me.

Banishers is insanely engaging and easily a kind of masterpiece but it takes a LOT of emotional labor to play it. Story-wise it's a psychological and emotional journey and not casual gaming by a long shot.

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I love games like Banishers and they are rare ... but I don't always have the mental or emotional bandwidth to play them for long periods of time. When you engage with media the way I do, it takes a toll and it does change you. I will finish Banishers but it will take some time.

I've been trying a lot of games that I never would have considered before as well and that has been fun but I'm still not finding anything that definitively ticks all of my boxes. Everything so far has just been OK.

I have over 900 games in my Steam library and I have played ALL of those ... I have played games in every genre there is ... and I have a deep love for unique kinds of gameplay, engaging stories, epic writing, top performances, and even can appreciate the occasional roguelike if it makes sense. I love MMOs, I love RPGs, I love games that challenge me and make me cry because I SUCK at them 🤣 I consider myself a gamer in the sense that I truly love and deeply appreciate game media.

I want to go back and get into #FFXIV which I've been playing since it's beta inception ... but the past few years with that game have been so depressing and painful and plot wise I just didn't have the emotional bandwidth for it. I'm not saying it wasn't good ... but for me it took an emotional toll and I game to RELAX and enjoy my free time ... not to get mauled for 3 years of depressive content. I haven't been back to it, though I continue to pay my subscription ... I miss it sometimes.

I haven't enjoyed #FFXIV since 2017 ... its been downhill into darkness, depression, misery, and just some shit that took its toll in me. Emet-Selch was probably my breaking point ... and it took me weeks to recover from that entire experience. I don't think I've ever been so broken.

That does not mean I didn't enjoy it. I did ... I absolutely can enjoy experiences that break me in some way because that's the power of good, well written media ... Final Fantasy knows how to tell a good story ... how to pull you in and hold you emotionally whether its their single player experiences or the story in the MMOs. #FFXIV just really took a dark, dark turn especially during the pandemic development of Shadowbringers and Endwalker ... just absolutely soul sucking depression ...

I have heard that the newest expansion is a complete reset and new focus for #FFXIV ... a return to form so to speak and the idea of that being true really excites me because I've been playing it since 2014 and I remember the brighter days ... But I'm just barely scratching the surface of Endwalker. I'm 14 quests into a total of 108 main story quests + 47 post main story lines before reaching the end of the current DLC.

I've put 11 years in FFXIV and that's been some of the most amazing growth that I've had in myself. I started playing FFXIV after playing EVERY MMO before that because I love Final Fantasy and I wanted to do something that scared me ... being a tank or being a healer in what was considered a hardcore MMO experience. I ran a HUGE guild in WoW for decades so leading a group of strangers didn't scare me. But running FFXIV dungeons and raids well is a part time job and that terrified me ...

In the early days, before YouTube walkthrus, tank abuse, tank shortages, and healing nerfing .. being a raid leader and being a tank was ... challenging and fun but something that you dedicated yourself to ... learning the mechanics, guiding your party, knowing the ins and outs ... It was work. It was homework. It was a responsibility you took seriously.

Ultimately I did carry my tank to max level at the time ... and it was the scariest thing I ever did but the most rewarding too.

After that I became a healing class and that was harder, more challenging, and even more responsibility than being a tank who relies on others to succeed. Healer has no one to rely on and is responsible for keeping the entire party alive. From my perspective if you're someone who has never played a main healer in FFXIV or any other hardcore raid specific 4-party MMO, you just have no clue what that even means or feels like. It's work and it's on the fly statistics, instinct, and focus.

I grew more as a person in my time being a full time healer than I ever did in any gaming experience especially when it came to managing patience, understanding, dealing with inconsiderate and idiot tanks and DPS, and fielding abuse from players who take no responsibility for their own actions. I was a good healer. I AM a good healer. I once carried a LANCER through a dungeon after everyone disconnected and we beat the boss. A LANCER y'all and I wasn't even a white mage, I was Scholar. IYKYK.

I miss FFXIV. I really do. But I can't go back to something where the content pulls me into depression and doesn't give me anything positive to hold onto ... I am not in a place for that and probably won't be for some time.

On the gaming front lately a few games have been really ticking my boxes:

1. #EXAPUNKS this is a game that not only challenges but teaches me something I never thought I'd be able to learn in a fun and graphically satisfying and clear way

2. #OneMoreGate is just everything I love about a good deckbuilder. Simple. Great graphics, fun mechanics, and unique deckbuilding opportunities.

3. #NewsTower is a game I wish was a tad deeper but it's early access so there is going to be more to come.

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