Learning to say "no", learning to put myself first, learning to value myself and my place in the world took way too long.
I always set myself apart from others because I was way different than my peers not only in how I saw the world around me, but also how I understood how other people saw it. In middle school I went though some ... terrifying revelations about reality that nearly landed me in a "facility" before finding my footing and learning to navigate it all.
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According to my journals I was 12 when I first started noticing that everyone had their own realities that they lived in and that there was no amount of LOGIC that could ever connect them to one another. I believed that being the best person I could be, across ALL of those realities was the best way to live ... the best way to avoid conflicts and other people's madness; if I was the same person to all people ... of course that was naive and ridiculous ... because people are ... not well.
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𝘐𝘧 10 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 3 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘖𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘪𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺? 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦’𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦.
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I've talked about this before ...
https://thewebrecluse.com/so-who-are-you-really/
... in trying to find the best and most even space between everyone's individual realities I turned into someone who was striving to be as consistent as possible under all circumstances ... very little code switching (except with Black people) and no adjustments to my core self around different people. Just WYSIWYG to the entire world with no variations.
So, if people disliked me then it was consistent and easy to track why.
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I was around the same age ... maybe 13 or 14 when I realized that, as I stated, in everyone's reality, you appeared completely different. Even with the same attitude, the same behaviors, the same treatment of others ... people saw you through their own LENS ... their own biases and madness and twisted perspectives. I found this so beyond fascinating and terrifying in middle school ... it really shaped and broke me in some ways but that revelation completely changed my view of myself too.
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It also changed my perspective of how I also saw people's behavior and I began to be able to perceive all the masks and walls that people hid behind and all of the ways they tried to mask the true colors in their hues and manipulate their Psychopasses etc ... anything to appear differently from what their actual core was. I came to understand that they believed their own roleplay as well, that it was even necessary for them.
My peers were terrifying ... Teenagers are sociopaths on a GOOD day.
@thewebrecluse this is fascinating. Great insight for me at age 63. I did learn one helpful thing at the age of 12, too - that bullies aren’t as tough on the inside as they are on the outside. And later in life I tied that to the saying “hurt people hurt people.”
@Ellomumsy Yes ... I don't know your backstory but I have often talked about how victims of childhood abuse have a keen understanding of the masks that people wear ... I grew up in an abusive household and my understanding of how "hurt people hurt people" began there and was critical in my understanding of people going forward in my life. ❤️
𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦.
You nailed it.
@thewebrecluse sitting here trying to figure out how to define my childhood. I had a mixed one. There was lots of good before I got into school, where I learned it was easier to be a turtle, retreating into my shell, laying low, than to be myself to most people (and I have an ongoing complicated relationship with my mother). Then I remembered I recently wrote this: https://stories.dandelionforest.earth/2023/05/30/the-cootie-girl/
I did want to "check out" as a teenager because of the cruelty.
I'm sorry your childhood wasn't safe. 💔