An old acquaintance I used to know recently texted me randomly to apologize for "things they said" and "how they left things" at 10pm the other night after I haven't heard from them in 9 years or so.
9 years ago - after they had ghosted me previously for almost a decade - I had told them I wasn't interested in entering back into a relationship of any kind with them and they called me judgmental and selfish and that I should learn to accept people "how they are".
1/
I'm not a person who holds grudges though people have accused me of this - my parents especially - but more I make an assessment of someone's behavior and patterns and make a decision about where they should be placed in my life - if anywhere at all - and they stay where I have placed them. It's really that simple. It's a decision, not a grudge. People with negative behavior patterns, emotional dysregulation, selfishness, etc ... they go outside of my personal circle and stay there.
2/
If you don't set boundaries, you're being very foolish and you're not putting yourself first - which you should ALWAYS. Not first in a selfish way, first in a SELFNESS way.
Selfishness is about you putting yourself first at the EXPENSE of someone else. SelfNESS is putting yourself first so you can be your best FOR OTHERS.
You cannot serve others or give your best energy or best attention to those you love if you're exhausted, negative, and mentally depleted yourself.
3/
SelfNESS is something you do in service to the world around you ... it is making sure you're as healthy as you can be so that those around you don't suffer because of your suffering. It is to ensure that you do not hurt others or take your pain and negativity out on them because you're unbalance and not taking care of yourself fully. SelfNESS is UNselfish and is focused on those outside of you.
I set CLEAR boundaries and rules and they are UNCHANGING because most people are themselves.
4/
Negative people, unwell people ... they are very similar to addicts. They apologize, they make promises, they say they will change, they try for a while, and sometimes even with support and unconditional love, they cannot stay away from those dark places and they cannot give up the pull that it has on them. Some people thrive on negativity, some people refuse to seek professional help, some people LIKE hurting and using others ... change is RARE in most people but not for lack of trying.
5/
My boundaries don't change because I have NEVER, in my 50 years of life, met someone who has.
Change is hard. Change is constant hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly work ... it is MINUTE to MINUTE self-awareness, analysis, TRUTH, self- regulation, LIFE CHANGES, and more. Most people don't have the time, energy, or dedication to become better people ...
Some do and those hardworking people are worth your time, support, and energy absolutely.
But everyone else ... don't be fooled.
6/
I don't expect many people to be able to do what I do ... to have the time, energy, and freedom to dedicate themselves almost solely to life change and mental, physical, and spiritual pursuits and balance. That is an impossible expectation.
What I do expect from people is an understanding of why I have boundaries and to respect them.
I respect people's inability to make change. I respect people's inability to have the time, support, and resources to be healthy ...
So, respect my boundaries.
All that said ... I responded to this person's text ... because anyone texting you at 10pm at night randomly after 9 years apologizing ... that means there is clearly something wrong. They are suffering in some way ... they are hurting ... and if they're reaching out to someone they know they have deeply wronged ... then it wouldn't be right to ignore that.
I have firm boundaries for people but even firmer rules for my own behavior ... and doing what is right, true, and fair are firm rules.
You can't change the world, but you can change yourself and how you respond and move through it.
You can't change people, but you can change yourself and how you respond to them or allow them to affect you. Stop wasting time on things and people that diminish you. Make yourself a priority.
Learn forgiveness.
Learn mindfulness.
Learn patience.
Learn to stop complaining and to start doing.
Realize that you spend more time in a prison of your own making than anywhere else.
I work 24/7 on myself ... all the time ... mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have dedicated decades of study to multiple disciplines including psychology and philosophy ... I am FOCUSED on myself and my life as a teacher, as a guide, and as a friend in the most positive manner possible. But I also have the privilege of TIME and flexibility and freedom to do that. And even then ... I falter often ... and as soon as I do, I make changes. I document, I analyze, I consult ... I alter.
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