So much has changed.
I left my 13 year relationship.
Met someone new, he broke my heart.
My anxiety has been debilitating.
My surgery did nothing.
I think I’m about to get fired.
Life is a fucking mess but I pretend I’m okay because my kids are watching.

i feel like literal junk and can’t sleep.
i can’t believe how bad going back to work is making me freak out and making me actually physically sick to my stomach.
ugh. i didn’t miss this feeling.
it never goes away.

i have the great value brand for a back.
the Walmart of backs.
very generic.
absolutely american made.

I feel ill thinking about going back to work next week 🥹

man being in pain all the time sure is depressing LOL

in better news I visited my son in treatment yesterday and it was much needed. i know how much i need to cherish every moment with him especially while he’s sober. ❤️

anyway i haven’t been feeling well since surgery a couple weeks ago. i know it’s early but i really thought i would’ve felt better than this after. i am in such a panic because i don’t think i can work anymore and have no idea where to start with things like disability. eek.

i feel like i spent my good years (working, able body) just barely surviving. i didn’t have the ability to build anything. and now i’m 41, and my physical abilities have greatly diminished. i’m single (well, never married, albeit in a long term relationship) and feel so unhappy. i am completely reliant on someone who does not make me happy i know i don’t make him happy either. why do we do this? what are my options? i keep waiting on some miracle to make waking up not so dreadful.

hey thanks for all the feedback.

this place is ridiculous. but the good ridiculous, and that’s rare.

maybe it’s a story about surviving but just surviving not being enough.

i am a walking case of unresolved trauma causing chronic pain and auto immune disease.

that shit ain’t no joke.

i want to write a book but:

i have no idea where to start

i have 35 years of trauma that i have a hard time recollecting

i feel like i need an “ending” and i want that ending to me, BETTER. but i’m not better.

do i start and save the ending for when i’m at “my better” (pain free? financial freedom? what is my better?)

i feel like i have a story to tell but i don’t have the right ending if that makes sense.

maybe it’s a story of surviving.

my son is in detox waiting for an inpatient treatment bed

i have a discectomy scheduled for august 9th to fix my herniated disc

i applied for and was granted a harassment order against my kids’ dad

things are hopefully looking up for me thank goodness

it was a rough few months you guys idk how i’ve made it but BITCH I DID AND I AM

i’m still alive and kicking. barely.

i think I’m going to close my account. This has quickly become my personal diary and sympathy seeking platform and that’s ridiculous tbh. I wouldn’t do this to people I know irl I shouldn’t do it to y’all.

this is why i don’t cry because once i start it’s hard to stop and i hate a stuffy nose

i don’t need this type shit right now i have so much other shit to worry about and deal with i am so tired y’all. soooo tired. man good thing i have kids to live for.

good. god. i just waited in the ER for 2 hours so i could get my stitches out just for a dick head doctor to tell me I’m fine and come back in a few more days.

back at the ER for a wound check and hopefully removal of my remaining sutures 😬

good morning? what’s so good about it?