My uncle spends $11,000 a month for an assisted living facility. I don't think he's particularly enjoying life.
His experience has done a lot to shape how I want to live my life. That includes how I'll end my life. I want to do it on my terms. To that end, I want us to reframe how we talk about suicide.
Beyond needing to make assisted death statutes more widespread, we'd need to open access to those without a specific terminal condition.
If my life is truly mine, then exercising my freedom should include how I choose to end mine.
I want to do that in a way that allows my loved ones to be there without fear that they're participating in something that may carry legal consequences for them by being there.
On a personal level, I've made it clear to my wife and kids that I don't want the same end as my uncle, gradually losing the will to live along with my senses and faculties with the boundaries of each day shrinking into a world of sodoku, loud TV, and easily digestible meals. It's not for me, and the earlier I can plant that in their minds, the easier it will be for them.
In many ways, religion has framed how we view suicide just as it has framed how we view abortion. It's a sin. But a sin is just a violation of God's law and I'm not convinced there is a God. So there's no reason to worry about what they'd think of how I choose to live my life.
While recent Supreme Court and GOP-led states influenced by religious world-views have sought to restrict bodily autonomy, recent elections and Pew research studies indicate that we are becoming a more secular society.
I hope this continues and that we can move to include this ultimate freedom for ourselves in what is often claimed as the land of the free.
This whole experience with my uncle has caused me to think about my end as an integral part of my life, just like my education, career and retirement. It's caused me to bring forward plans that I'd left semi-formed. I think about and prioritize what's important to me. I find joy in the now because old age is coming and it's not particularly kind.
Ultimately, I will spend my $11,000 in my late 40s and enjoy it more than $11,000 of semolina and bedbaths in my 90s.
While it might take a while for our society and laws to come to a healthier position on these matters, we can start today on a personal level by accepting our own mortality and writing the story of what we're going to achieve and experience. We can talk with those we love about this. Perhaps most importantly, we can live for the now, since that's all we're guaranteed.
Once you've accepted the finite nature of the canvas, you can start to paint your life on it.
Changes I've made as a result of all this over the past two years:
I have more 1:1 time with my wife and kids.
I cycle 100 miles a week to maintain my health.
I take way more weed gummies and laugh a lot more.
I've adjusted my finances to retire earlier.
@stuartblair I so agree with you.
@stuartblair You might consider a ladybird deed or living trust on your home too. (can you tell I'm home obsessed? LOL)
@TrueBloodNet my wife and I did our estate planning with living trusts and DNR medical directives last year.
That covers our kids in the event of an acute accident for myself and my wife, but it still doesn't cover the kind of long slow decline and loss of quality of life that I'm discussing here.
Trips in my 40’s & 50’s to Africa, Peru, Hong Kong, Caribbean, Chile, Brazil etc ate up much of my savings. No regrets here.
@stuartblair plus if he owned a home, likely the state will own it before he dies.
@stuartblair the only ones who benefit from assisted living are the facilities themselves. I watched my step father go through this for two years, merry go round of hospital stay, nursing facility and home and then again and again and again. The next to last stay sapped him of what he had left. We spent so much $ on what Medicare wouldn’t cover. He had LTC but even that had its pitfalls. Nightmare experience. My mom couldn’t handle all of it at home, she’s a trained nurse but retired in 13’.
@Redskye572 I'm sorry to hear that, it must have been really stressful. My uncle is quite comfortably off, but still starts each conversation with me to ask how long he'll be able to stay in LTC and what happens after. It's not like his money is even bringing him peace as a result.
@stuartblair So he can’t stay in his home with LTC? I know that was a big issue with our situation as step father hated the facilities but my mom couldn’t handle all that goes into a decline from alzheimer's. He only had 12/hr paid caregiver, my mom and I did the rest (no family actually volunteered but they sure had their hands out after he died). Not at her age and with her health issues.
I’m sorry I’m rambling on, I’m so bitter about it all. I promised my mom that wouldn’t happen to her.
@stuartblair It left us with 79k in debts and a car that my mom bought out for 17k. The house was really all that was left from a prosperous life where he had a lot of money/he was an engineer for the space program. She’s currently being sued for a personal loan he got from a credit union so it just lingers on and on. He’s been gone two years. All that money spent on things Medicare didn’t cover (including a few stays over the maximum) could have paid that loan off.
End of life decisions are no one else’s business.
Not family
Not friends
Not medical team
Not spiritual advisors
We come in alone. We go out alone.
How is our own decision.
Since the ideal death for most of us is to be surrounded by those we love and to go peacefully, with lucidity and not racked by pain, I would like to see people have planned finale events. These wouldn't be in hospitals, they'd be at home or in a place of significance to the person.