My cousin is getting married tomorrow, and I'm in charge of music. And their officiant is the most disagreeable person I have ever met. Officiantzilla.

She's a longtime friend of the groom, but oi. She got into a shouting match with the bride and groom over when they're going to sign the license. She said "I'm the most important person here" at least twice (I'm sorry, whose wedding is this??). /1

Best part: She HATES the music choices (the 2CELLOS version of Hallelujah, Concerning Hobbits, Taylor Ash's A Human Heart, and Firm Foundation, for the curious). She had a bunch of last-minute music demands she's just lucky I'm a professional and could accommodate, including that I play the communion hymn instead of do a recording.

She treated me more like a nuisance than a pro, btw. /2

And she insisted on "something classical" for the offertory, "like Bach or Mozart."

She's getting Elsa's Procession to the Cathedral.

Either she'll recognize it and be furious but unable to do anything, or she won't and she'll praise me for choosing a piece in which the title character is on the way to her own beheading. Either way...lollll.

You pissed off the musician. Don't. /3

PS: The fact that she asked for a communion hymn and offertory TONIGHT, less than 24 hours in advance, tells me she hasn't thought about any of the other service music at all.

I fully expect to get asked to play a Gloria and the rest of it tomorrow when I arrive. Even though they're not in the bulletin. (But don't worry, she's been doing this for 14 years, according to her. I have to ask: do you have 14 years of experience or one year repeated 14 times?) /4

I have now taken care of having recordings available of Mike Anderson's Gloria and of the Blue Devils playing Salvation is Created (for the gospel song). Everyone can just recite the hosanna.

This is what they don't pay me for. 😆 /5

Her: "The music needs to be something like Bach or Mozart."

Me: *queues up a bunch of wind band pieces from this century only*

Sorry lady, but the bride is the one who asked for my musical tastes, not you. /6

For context, it usually takes me a while to decide that I truly dislike someone. I'm prone to giving chances, forgiving much, and watching the rest like it is a mildly entertaining sitcom.

I strongly disliked this woman before the rehearsal dinner STARTED.

At the same time it low-key fascinates me to watch someone so deeply insecure that she treats everyone else like they're the inferior ones. Actually confident people do not do that.

Will report more drama later lol /7

Also from last night:

When she voluntold me to play the communion hymn, I told her I have a piano instrumental version of said hymn (Let Us Break Bread Together) in my library, and that it's better than the arrangement in the hymnal. She got snippy about "people need to be able to sing along."

...K well the bride and groom okayed the recording so the recording is what the bride and groom get. /8

SWEET JESUS PRESERVE US

So Cousin just texted me to ask how long the church aisle is, because she wants to know if this runner she's borrowing will fit.

She's borrowing a runner last minute because Officiant decided to take issue with the flower girl throwing flowers and is now claiming the church won't allow the mess.

I told Cousin that I am so certain the church will allow it that I will personally clean it up and take the blame if I am wrong. (I am not wrong.) 9/

Got a music change demand AS I WALKED IN.

Fortunately I had the foresight to announce yesterday I couldn't accommodate changes less than two hours before start time, and it was 2:00 when I got here.

Sorry, should have had one of the 30+ folks here with my number text me. 10/

Just got told it'll be another ten minutes because the maid of honor isn't dressed yet.

Yep, that's why I make a 60-minute playlist to fill 40 minutes of time. 11/

I'm not blaming that one on anybody, as the maid of honor is 14 years old. Also people keep walking in. 12/