I am going out today to look at RVs.
I doubt very much we will end up buying one given all the horror stories I've been reading about, the lawsuits with RV companies, the ongoing expense and maintenance, gas and diesel prices, safety concerns, declining quality of builds, and numerous other downsides. But I still want to check some out and just see what's out there.
Our appointment isn't until noon but already my stress is sky high and my checklist has begun ...
1/
When I was younger the only thing I tended to worry about was if someone called me sir because I present rather masculine and this is even after shaving. I have always been MoC (Masculine of Center) which back in the day was simply called "being a tomboy" and occasionally people would call me sir if they weren't paying attention. These days, of course, it's more that people think I'm transitioning in some direction they can't determine and it comes with more a hostility than a "oops sorry".
2/
I have a checklist of things I go through to prepare for any time spent outside where I will encounter strangers ... this is both a checklist to account for high anxiety, gender concerns, racial concerns, and generalized "crazy people" concerns as the world has gone batshit crazy. I have always had a checklist ... but in the past 10 years it's gotten longer and more complicated.
The exhausting checklist is one of the reasons why I do not ever leave my house unless absolutely necessary ...
3/
If you are someone who has no checklist whatsoever ... you must be someone of a very high level of privilege and congratulations.
It must be really nice to just wake up, get dressed, and go out to run errands or enjoy lunch out somewhere or meet with friends and have absolutely not one worry or concern at all about how you will be treated or if you will be safe or even make it down the highway without being pulled over and shot for no reason.
That must be incredible. No sarcasm.
4/
I have been communicating with the very nice man at the RV dealership for about a week.
He texted me and said if I had any questions he'd be happy to answer them and he's been incredibly generous with his time and I have been repeatedly telling him how thankful and grateful I am that he's been so kind.
As a salesman I'm sure this is part of his who schtick to sell RVs but still ... he was answering questions even over the weekend very kindly and politely with smatterings of smile emojis.
5/
My first thought on my checklist is always ...
1. What happens when I get there and he sees I'm Black. How does this change his attitude? How will he treat me? The same still? Or will his attitude change?
I go by Elaine which I have been told is "misleading" so people don't expect a Black person ... that's fair-ish I guess.
So the first thing is preparing for that change in his attitude even in a subtle sense. I prepare myself for microaggression and macro ones as well.
6/
2. How I present. I have large breasts and I present rather masculine and - now that I've stopped shaving and hiding most of my #hirsutism - I have a pretty epic mustache.
I have tattoos, piercings, and a deep-ish voice. I tend to pitch up my voice on the phone and in the world so that white people don't freak out. When I present more friendly they tend to overlook how I appear.
This is automatic ... and many Black people do this sometimes unconsciously.
I try to put people at ease.
7/
This third one depends on where I'm going and the circumstances:
3. Rudeness and generally sus behavior. This could be because the person is racist or transphobic or misogynist or just plain an asshole.
I need to mentally prepare for it either way ... I need to make sure I am ready for whatever crazy and negative shit is out there so I don't allow it to infect me or shift me into a negative space.
People are awful for all kinds of reasons.
Salesmen can be rough and pushy and rude.
8/
I'm not an angry or remotely aggressive person but most strangers who meet me for the first time make a lot of assumptions purely based on how I present.
I have to make extra effort, especially these days, to always make sure that my attitude, my tone of voice, how I carry myself ... everything is in alignment with making sure not to make people feel threatened in any way or to appear threatening.
White people especially are very jumpy and quick to Karen or Ken out over small things.
9/
The sheer amount of emotional, mental, and psychological effort and preparation I have to go through is exhausting and those are just the first 3 things on my checklist. There are other things too but those are the main things I have to do the MOST work for.
I'd love to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of it or who doesn't give a shit what people do or say and can do or say whatever they want if people are rude to me etc.
That would be amazing.
But that's not my reality.
10/
I always take @IronButterfly with me when I'm going into new situations ... mainly, and she knows this, because her white adjacency is helpful and because she can tell very quickly when I've become uncomfortable and I need help navigating things or extracting myself.
The more anxious or on edge I am, the more polite I become so she can tell just by my words and demeanor when it's time for an escape plan because my Darkman watch is going off ๐คฃ (IYKYK).
11/
I will enjoy my coffee ... relax ... meditate ... go through my checklist and prepare for noon.
Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised by how things go when I am out.
Sometimes people are better than I expect them to be (not often), sometimes situations go smoothly and I don't have to do with microaggressions from people (not often).
Sometimes I have a genuinely great experience out ... but I have to make sure to be fully prepared for that not happening ... especially these days.
๐๐ฐ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ต๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ด ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฎ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ. ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ช๐ค๐ฉ ๐ช๐ด ๐ฆ๐ท๐ช๐ญ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ณ๐ฎ๐ง๐ถ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ด ๐ช๐ต๐ด ๐ง๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ.
๐๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐ต๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฃ๐บ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฆ๐น๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ, ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ ๐ช๐ด ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฅ๐ถ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ช๐ต๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง, ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ช๐ต; ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ต ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต.
- Marcus Aurelius
๐๐ฆ ๐ด๐ถ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ช๐ฎ๐ข๐จ๐ช๐ฏ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง๐ต๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ต๐บ. - Seneca
Seneca and I aren't always in agreement and of course, from his perspective things would have been quite different. I think it's important to be aware of all the things that COULD happen to you in the world ... especially if you are a member of the #GlobalMajority ... I don't think that's pessimism or paranoia. That is REALITY and you have to be vigilant.
Also on my checklist ... the fact that I will be wearing a mask. I have not 1, but 2, autoimmune diseases. I do not take any chances with people because I do not trust people to be as health conscious as I am ... ESPECIALLY these days. This guy is a salesman who spends probably all day talking to people without a mask ... I am not gonna be up in an enclosed RV with someone who I don't know the health situation of. But you know some people are anti mask and shit so you have to deal with that too.
At the same time ... wearing my mask puts me at ease about not having to deal with anyones reaction to my #hirsutism ... as you all know from my previous threads on it ... my mustache I'm letting grow naturally and I am trying to take pride in how I naturally look ... but I also know that people will give me shit about it - including my own father who I will be seeing today. Wearing the mask means I don't have to deal with THAT today too ... because that's exhausting.
It's all exhausting and difficult and in other ways scary AF and I feel like my life is at risk for one reason or another when I do have to go out into the world ... and also not just because of how people may react to me ... but just crazy people in general who carry guns around and are trigger happy and angry about everything and are looking for people to hurt just because or because they are legitimately mentally ill. The world is quite dangerous for many reasons and that's the truth.
I've heard people say "don't live in fear" and mostly it's something I hear from people who have little reason to fear anything at all on a daily basis.
I don't consider hyper-vigilance to be simply fear ... I think heightened awareness in this day and age is necessary and a sign of high intelligence. The exhaustion of having to code switch and play a role and consider everyone else is what keeps me inside ... the masking and the tediousness of other people ... not simply fear.
I hope it turns out to be a good day, @thewebrecluse. ๐ค With so many problematic scenarios to have to prepare for, it must be overwhelming and disheartening. Wishing you the best.
Sometimes that's all you can do, @thewebrecluse ๐ฆ
@cmskiera โค๏ธ ๐๐พ
@cmskiera I had to look up "disheartening" as its not a word I normally use ...
๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฆ, ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ข๐จ๐ฆ, ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ช๐ณ๐ช๐ต๐ด; ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ข๐จ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ. ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ช๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ข๐จ๐ฆ.
I think the bonus to being a stoic is that I don't experience that feeling. My expectation of reality is pretty straightforward so I don't expect things to be different from how they are. I just lament the energy required to prepare for that reality often ... if that makes sense.
It does make sense, @thewebrecluse, and I'm glad you don't experience the disheartening feeling. I sometimes experience it with my social anxiety.
@cmskiera I know that by the time I get back from this place ... my energy will be spent. I'll spend the rest of the day in a kind of coma ... I'll be exhausted ... in pain ... and I won't have the energy I need to do the things I want ... It sometimes takes days to recover.
As you probably experience as well with your social anxiety ... the prep and the maintenance are exhausting. Takes away from your life ... just to deal with the outside for a few hours.
@cmskiera You are extremely kind. Thanks for receiving my posts with so much understanding โค๏ธ As it the time gets closer for us to leave for this outing ... I feel less and less like I want to go at all ... but ... I will ... I'll make it through.
Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. โค๏ธ