One other Friday musing.
In uni, I lived with someone who believed arguments should be loud, blunt, and fierce. She didn't "trust" people who argued differently - it seemed dishonest to her not to get into a good clean shouting match. That's how her family argued, and there was clearly enough love around it that the behaviour worked for them.
I, however, grew up in a household where cut-throat raging was the parental norm, without assurances of underlying love. Direct attacks feel awful. BUT--
--the key to becoming a better adjusted adult wasn't simply avoiding heated exchanges entirely, because down that path lies relentless *fear* of others' hostility.
(And if you knew me in my late teens and early twenties, you'd know I was relentlessly afraid of making people angry. Always apologizing, and always making people angry *with* my constant apologies!)
Growth has instead required learning to hold in tension the fact that conflict and *safety in conflict* look different for us all.
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My lack of direct attacks will always make me seem untrustworthy or unsafe to some - especially folks like my old roommate, who see shouting and direct, even personal attacks for a brief blow-up as "more honest".
Conversely, people shouting at me or going for the jugular with personal attacks will always be no bueno for me.
(It's been joked that I can handle pretty much anything as long as no one raises their voice in the process. My experiences with violent assault show that to be true!)
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@MLClark
Right there with you, my friend. Sounds like we were brought up in the same family.
Don't know why my next reply lost connection to this thread, but here's the closer to this train of thought:
https://counter.social/@MLClark/112258973679112765