(1)
I do not want to sound ungrateful for what I have, as I really am. I cherish my life as it is, and I am very aware of how instantly I can lose it all. Frankly, it scares me, considering my past...
Yet I can't help wondering...
I had to start over twice. At the age of 25, having moved to Australia with one suitcase of possessions. And then again in 2020, having escaped from my ex with my cats, two suitcases of possessions, and a massive debt that he put me in.
(2)
This was my second dysfunctional marriage. The first one ended not long before I moved, and the relationship was, frankly, not less toxic.
I wasted 10 years of my life on two narcissistic men who gave me nothing but took most of myself.
That 10 years could have been critical for establishing a career, travelling more (I used to travel A LOT before my first marriage), exploring life and myself. Instead, I spent 10 years in survival mode.
(3)
I started living again only 3 years ago. I changed jobs right before COVID and left the international education sector (tremendously lucky, considering its near-collapse for 2 years). I am in my first ever non-dysfunctional relationship, and I feel loved and safe. I still have my cats.
Yet, I can't help thinking that by the age of 35, I have accomplished nothing.
(4)
With my current employer, I doubt that any career progression is possible, and the only development at work is constantly increasing workloads driven by poor planning and irrational ad-hoc decisions. I do love what I do for work though, and I haven't seen any roles that I would feel as passionate about, but staying scares me, as does leaving.
I crave consistency and steady growth in every aspect of my life...
Yet, even in my personal life, there are constant setbacks.
(5)
With my partner's abusive ex and deeply traumatised child, there is never a way forward. There is damage control.
And I feel impotent.
(6)
The struggles with my physical and mental health (both most likely a consequence of trauma) do not boost my confidence either.
Hence feeling stuck: unable to fix myself, unable to fix the family situation, navigating an awkward work situation (baffling, really, the culture turned to shit just in one year...) And not knowing how to move past it.
@purrrism I can tell you through experience not dissimilar to yours that your time in your previous life isn't wasted. You are very young, I didn't get freedom from family chains until I was 60. You will find as time goes on you gain a unique wisdom and insight because of your past, an insight that you cannot get at college. Learn to dream, learn to dream about what you want your life to be, about who you want to become.
@LadyT sounds great except for the fact that I was a broken and lonely child who had to endure quite a bit of suffering; there was no awe, and there was no wonder.
The adult me had to work hard to make up for all the love that the child was deprived of and make her feel safe.
I am very well connected with my child self.
I'm glad you are connected and sorry I upset you. I hope you find peace
@purrrism reconnect with the child within you, the one that was there before the world broke you. Remember the sense of awe and wonder at the world that child had, because reconnecting with that child is where your authenticity and power over your own life lies.