Henry Rollins last night.
Life long dream, did not disappoint.
Was my favorite author throughout my teens and early 20s. Dude is intense. INTENSE. He did not stop to even breathe in 2.5 hours. He's partially why I am how I am (which is angry and cynical but still a good person).

Spent the week smiling+laughing+teaching. They're smart little 16yr olds. Obviously can't talk to them about it but was asked if I was ok, they just knew something was off. Crazy how they pick up on small cues-sad they are the only ones in real life who noticed. I just smiled because I can't say a thing but I'm in a spiral.

Caught him using yesterday. Knew it before I saw him try and hide it. I didn't yell. Said everything I'm supposed to. I just don't see any way this is going to end well.

Ok listen
In the past two years I've done the major depression thing. The COVID thing. The daughter in a diabetic coma thing. The drug addicted husband thing. I don't know if I can do the monkeypox thing.

Well, he checked out of rehab after two days so... Here we go again.

His aunt cleaned out his car since he parked there during rehab+found an insane amount of crack+pipes+random pills. Methadone??! Told her to dump it. Trying to call his dealers to figure out if he owes money. I don't feel like someone busting into my house trying to collect from me (they won't hurt me, the two dealers he goes to were at my wedding). I'm going to have to tell my mom and ask for a loan to pay bills. He accumulated debt (we have separate accounts) but I need to pay all the bills😣

Went to a support meeting for families last night. Couldn't get through it without by breaking down, not just because of what I'm going through but from the stories I heard, especially from moms with addicted kids. It's just so sad. I'm so sad. Clonazepam gets me through the day (prescription, but I've gone months without feeling like I needed it). Do I face these feelings? Can I give myself a few days of numbness, just as a break?

I'm in bed just sad. I haven't slept in bed for a while now because it didn't feel necessarily safe. Now he's not here, won't be for another six weeks, and I don't know what to do with myself. I've spent so long trying to take care of him, bring woken up multiple times a night, clenching my teeth out of anxiety.

Anyone with a spouse that has gone to rehab (or anyone really) that has any advice about...how I just go on?

Cleaned the basement, everything that could be triggering. Feels empty.

He just left.

I asked him to leave last night, just until things got a bit better. We could still work through it but I couldn't live with the paranoia. I told him it made me scared that he might hurt me.

He spent the night calling rehabs, got a place Monday.

But he still left to stay somewhere else until then.
He's still mad at me, thinking I'm needing with his head by unplugging the internet (which I did not, I was sleeping).

He said I was a bad person. I never yelled. Just loved him.

First time out to a restaurant since last summer (sat on a patio). As my life is crumbling before my eyes this was a nice two hour reprieve.

Been waiting 25 years to see Henry Rollins' spoken word. My favourite author after Kerouac.

Bought a single ticket so I can go without anyone ruining it for me. Very excited!

I ended up watching music videos all night. Down a rabbit hole of early 2000s emo stuff...MCR, mostly. Some Bring Me the Horizon and Rise Against. A bit of CKY too. Confused, sad, hurt, mad.

Embarrassed. I can't talk to anyone about this, I'm embarrassed. I can't help it. The only person that is actually being helpful is the drug dealer (the one whose vocal chords I said I'd rip out if I caught him selling the crack).

I'm honestly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Can't hold it together.

False hope. I had false hope.

I convinced myself everything was back to normal. Those 'red flags' were easily explainable.

Things are not back to 'normal'. This is my new normal.

Don't tell someone something you know will upset them, then get mad when they are upset.

I'm being gaslit and lied to not out of malice but because of addiction. I guess it doesn't matter why though.

I was woken up two hours ago. It's 3am. I guess no sleep for me...again. Anxiety med time.

Just going to teach outside every day. Art kids are embroidering in the grass.

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