You never want to be in a place where your friends are telling the cops the last time they saw you, you were lucid and fully clothed

Once I woke up in a bathtub filled with ice and someone had put eight extra kidneys in me

Now is the time of year that we place decorative pumpkins on our porch to rot but still feel bad for all the starving people in the world

They should come up with a word for women that have had children and still inspire carnal lust

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The world’s most terrifying weapon: a gun that shoots potato bugs at people

Guano psychosis is the medical term for batshit crazy

In memory of Jimmy Buffett, we will be playing Margaritaville on endless loop at half speed. Please help your yourself to some food at the [takes deep sigh] Jimmy Buffet

Who names a terrorist mercenary organization “The Wagner Group”? Sounds more like a company that sells and maintains office copiers

Biden could learn a thing or two from Putin when it comes to dealing with insurrectionists

Ron DeSantis, what happened to you? You used to be the foreboding harbinger of doom. Now you’re just that weird guy standing in the parking lot screaming at himself

If Trump were still President, there is absolutely no way he could have resisted nuking hurricane Hillary. Just no fucking way

One more indictment and he gets a free foot long sub

“Nice joke at my expense” Q mutters to James, as he starts building Bond’s next spy car, a 2014 Hyundai Accent

THE LION KING and THE LOIN KING are two very different movies

[first day of work at the zoo]

Me: I’m here to feed the animals!

Zookeeper: Great. Take off you clothes and get in the lion cage

The belief that something is true because you want it to be true is a helluva drug

If the school has to tell you your kid identifies as transgender, you’re a terrible parent and don’t deserve to know

I guess the worst thing about social media is finding out all your favorite celebrities are giant pieces of shit

Me: That does it humanity. I’m done with you forever
Humanity: But I just invented the smash burger taco
Me:
Me: Okay. But I swear this is your last chance