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Google's server-side scripting language for Blogger/Blogspot has IF and ELSE statements, as programming languages are wont to have. But I couldn't find IFELSE as a single statement.
So I had to close off a bazillion IF statements (pictured). Gross.
Oh, I suppose there might be a CASE or SWITCH statement I could have used. But the terrible code for a blog that's on life support has been written ... and it works.
Thus shall it be.