DungeonMaster Ewington
Game Director of computer games • Writer • Former Designer • Writes Comics • Co-Author of 'Campaigns & Companions' OUT NOW! #AmQuerying #WritingCommunity
Love #DungeonsAndDragons?
Love #Fantasy?
Love #Comedy?
Love #Wizards?
Love #Barbarians?
Love #BarbariansHittingWizards
Love #DungeonsAndDragons?
Love #Fantasy?
Love #Comedy?
Love #Wizards?
Love #Barbarians?
Love #BarbariansHittingWizards
Monk to the DM: ‘What time do you call THIS? I was expecting my XP rewards FUCKING hours ago!’
Ranger: ‘Halfling Rogues… why did it HAVE to be Halfling Rogues…’
DM: ‘You are surrounded by Vampires closing in on you…’
Cat: ‘I draw both my +5 holy daggers…’
DM: ‘Dog?’
Dog: ‘Can I have a +5 Holy dagger?’
Cat: ‘No.’
Dog: ...
Dog: ‘I cast a spell.’
DM: ‘Which one—‘
Dog: ‘Polymorph self.’
DM: ‘Wha—‘
Dog: ‘-into a Vampire…’
Cat: ...
Dwarven Cleric to the Merchant: ‘Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to know if anyone around here has some undead in need of turning, do you?’
Mobster 1: ‘What’s wrong?’
Mobster 2: ‘Just… I don’t think THIS is what the boss meant when he said to make ‘em sleep with the fishes…’
DM: ‘You spot a Troll approaching…’
Cat: ‘I hide in the shadows.’
Dog: ‘I hide in the shadows too!’
DM: ‘Both make a hide roll…’
Cat: ‘19!’
Dog: ‘1…’
DM: ‘Cat, even though you're hidden, Dog gives you away…’
Cat: ...
Cat: ‘Okay, I cast fire—‘
Dog: ‘BALL!’
(Dog jumps to catch it)
Wizard: ‘I CAST FIREBALL!’
DM: ‘At what?’
Wizard: ‘THE CLERIC!’
DM: ‘But he’s just sat there quietly eating his iron rations…?’
Wizard: ‘I KNOW!’
DM: …
DM: ‘Roll the dice…’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog…’
DM: ‘The dog returns, albeit undead—‘
Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’
DM: ‘Wha- alright, the dog ‘dies’ again…’
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog…’
DM: ‘What are you doing?’
Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’
DM: ‘Stop it!’
Cat: ‘I cast—‘
DM: ...
DM: ‘You spot a Beholder in the chamber ahead. Everyone make a roll…’
Cat: (passes)
Dog: (passes)
DM: ‘You both sneak past it—‘
Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’
DM: ‘There’s no need—‘
Cat: ‘I cast invisibility.’
DM: ‘Erm... okay... you vanish.’
Dog: ‘?’
Cat: ‘I cough loudly…’
DM: ‘Roll the dice.’
Cat: ‘5…’
DM: ‘The door creaks as you open it. Roll Perception…’
Cat: ‘15…’
DM: ‘You hear footsteps—‘
Cat: ‘I hide!’
DM: ’Too late, the guard is almost upon you!’
Cat: ‘I HIDE!
DM: ‘Roll with disadvantage..’
Cat: ‘20 and... 20!’
DM: ‘You lucky SonOva—‘
Sauron: ‘BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORD- HEY, STOP! CUT THAT OUT!’
Catwalk D&D:
Fighter: tried to hide behind their shield to deflect a Wizard’s ‘Fireball’... was too slow...
DM: ‘Before you is a wide chasm—’
Cat: ‘I jump the chasm!’
DM: ‘It’s too wide—‘
Cat: ‘I JUMP THE CHASM!'
DM: ‘Roll for Dex…’
(Success)
DM: ‘You don’t make it, I said it was too wide. You’re now falling to your dea—‘
Cat: ‘I land on my feet!’
DM: ...
DM (sighs): ‘Roll for Dex...’
Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures!’
DM: ‘You’re not a Bard!’
Cat: ‘I keep singing!’
DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’
Cat: ‘Still singing!’
DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll…’
(Fails)
DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out.’
Cat: ...
DM: ‘You come to large wooden door.’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
DM: ‘An Orc opens it and growls at you to come in…’
Cat: ‘I do nothing.’
DM: ‘He growls at you to come in again…’
Cat: ‘I still do nothing.’
DM: ‘Eventually the Orc tires and slams the door…’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door…’
Dwarven Paladin to the Elven Paladin: ‘Look, here sonny—I AM smiting all the RIGHT undead, just not necessarily all in the RIGHT order…’
DungeonMaster Ewington
Game Director of computer games • Writer • Former Designer • Writes Comics • Co-Author of 'Campaigns & Companions' OUT NOW! #AmQuerying #WritingCommunity