I am going out today to look at RVs.
I doubt very much we will end up buying one given all the horror stories I've been reading about, the lawsuits with RV companies, the ongoing expense and maintenance, gas and diesel prices, safety concerns, declining quality of builds, and numerous other downsides. But I still want to check some out and just see what's out there.
Our appointment isn't until noon but already my stress is sky high and my checklist has begun ...
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When I was younger the only thing I tended to worry about was if someone called me sir because I present rather masculine and this is even after shaving. I have always been MoC (Masculine of Center) which back in the day was simply called "being a tomboy" and occasionally people would call me sir if they weren't paying attention. These days, of course, it's more that people think I'm transitioning in some direction they can't determine and it comes with more a hostility than a "oops sorry".
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I have a checklist of things I go through to prepare for any time spent outside where I will encounter strangers ... this is both a checklist to account for high anxiety, gender concerns, racial concerns, and generalized "crazy people" concerns as the world has gone batshit crazy. I have always had a checklist ... but in the past 10 years it's gotten longer and more complicated.
The exhausting checklist is one of the reasons why I do not ever leave my house unless absolutely necessary ...
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If you are someone who has no checklist whatsoever ... you must be someone of a very high level of privilege and congratulations.
It must be really nice to just wake up, get dressed, and go out to run errands or enjoy lunch out somewhere or meet with friends and have absolutely not one worry or concern at all about how you will be treated or if you will be safe or even make it down the highway without being pulled over and shot for no reason.
That must be incredible. No sarcasm.
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I have been communicating with the very nice man at the RV dealership for about a week.
He texted me and said if I had any questions he'd be happy to answer them and he's been incredibly generous with his time and I have been repeatedly telling him how thankful and grateful I am that he's been so kind.
As a salesman I'm sure this is part of his who schtick to sell RVs but still ... he was answering questions even over the weekend very kindly and politely with smatterings of smile emojis.
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My first thought on my checklist is always ...
1. What happens when I get there and he sees I'm Black. How does this change his attitude? How will he treat me? The same still? Or will his attitude change?
I go by Elaine which I have been told is "misleading" so people don't expect a Black person ... that's fair-ish I guess.
So the first thing is preparing for that change in his attitude even in a subtle sense. I prepare myself for microaggression and macro ones as well.
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2. How I present. I have large breasts and I present rather masculine and - now that I've stopped shaving and hiding most of my #hirsutism - I have a pretty epic mustache.
I have tattoos, piercings, and a deep-ish voice. I tend to pitch up my voice on the phone and in the world so that white people don't freak out. When I present more friendly they tend to overlook how I appear.
This is automatic ... and many Black people do this sometimes unconsciously.
I try to put people at ease.
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This third one depends on where I'm going and the circumstances:
3. Rudeness and generally sus behavior. This could be because the person is racist or transphobic or misogynist or just plain an asshole.
I need to mentally prepare for it either way ... I need to make sure I am ready for whatever crazy and negative shit is out there so I don't allow it to infect me or shift me into a negative space.
People are awful for all kinds of reasons.
Salesmen can be rough and pushy and rude.
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I'm not an angry or remotely aggressive person but most strangers who meet me for the first time make a lot of assumptions purely based on how I present.
I have to make extra effort, especially these days, to always make sure that my attitude, my tone of voice, how I carry myself ... everything is in alignment with making sure not to make people feel threatened in any way or to appear threatening.
White people especially are very jumpy and quick to Karen or Ken out over small things.
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The sheer amount of emotional, mental, and psychological effort and preparation I have to go through is exhausting and those are just the first 3 things on my checklist. There are other things too but those are the main things I have to do the MOST work for.
I'd love to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of it or who doesn't give a shit what people do or say and can do or say whatever they want if people are rude to me etc.
That would be amazing.
But that's not my reality.
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I always take @IronButterfly with me when I'm going into new situations ... mainly, and she knows this, because her white adjacency is helpful and because she can tell very quickly when I've become uncomfortable and I need help navigating things or extracting myself.
The more anxious or on edge I am, the more polite I become so she can tell just by my words and demeanor when it's time for an escape plan because my Darkman watch is going off 🤣 (IYKYK).
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I will enjoy my coffee ... relax ... meditate ... go through my checklist and prepare for noon.
Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised by how things go when I am out.
Sometimes people are better than I expect them to be (not often), sometimes situations go smoothly and I don't have to do with microaggressions from people (not often).
Sometimes I have a genuinely great experience out ... but I have to make sure to be fully prepared for that not happening ... especially these days.
𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥.
𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘶𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵; 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵.
- Marcus Aurelius
𝘞𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺. - Seneca
Seneca and I aren't always in agreement and of course, from his perspective things would have been quite different. I think it's important to be aware of all the things that COULD happen to you in the world ... especially if you are a member of the #GlobalMajority ... I don't think that's pessimism or paranoia. That is REALITY and you have to be vigilant.
Also on my checklist ... the fact that I will be wearing a mask. I have not 1, but 2, autoimmune diseases. I do not take any chances with people because I do not trust people to be as health conscious as I am ... ESPECIALLY these days. This guy is a salesman who spends probably all day talking to people without a mask ... I am not gonna be up in an enclosed RV with someone who I don't know the health situation of. But you know some people are anti mask and shit so you have to deal with that too.
At the same time ... wearing my mask puts me at ease about not having to deal with anyones reaction to my #hirsutism ... as you all know from my previous threads on it ... my mustache I'm letting grow naturally and I am trying to take pride in how I naturally look ... but I also know that people will give me shit about it - including my own father who I will be seeing today. Wearing the mask means I don't have to deal with THAT today too ... because that's exhausting.
It's all exhausting and difficult and in other ways scary AF and I feel like my life is at risk for one reason or another when I do have to go out into the world ... and also not just because of how people may react to me ... but just crazy people in general who carry guns around and are trigger happy and angry about everything and are looking for people to hurt just because or because they are legitimately mentally ill. The world is quite dangerous for many reasons and that's the truth.
I've heard people say "don't live in fear" and mostly it's something I hear from people who have little reason to fear anything at all on a daily basis.
I don't consider hyper-vigilance to be simply fear ... I think heightened awareness in this day and age is necessary and a sign of high intelligence. The exhaustion of having to code switch and play a role and consider everyone else is what keeps me inside ... the masking and the tediousness of other people ... not simply fear.
Masking ALONE is exhausting and takes more strength than I have to allocate to it. Those of us who live with #chronicillness and #chronicpain have very little energy to put forth into extra things ... we're just trying to live and get through the day. Having to divert that energy into maintaining and doing all this Oscar worthy acting for the outside world is sometimes just not worth it.
Today I have a doctors appointment to go to ... a doctors appointment I NEED to go to. Eye doctor. I have #keratoconus and I have had the same doctor for like ... god ... ever. She was kind. She was understanding. She knew about my anxiety. She was great. And I don't know what happened over the pandemic but ... its like all the doctors left the practice, she had to take on all their patients or something and she eventually just left. Gone. Now I have to see someone completely new ...
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This has happened to me A LOT ... I spent a period of over 10 years trying to find a good doctor, one that cared like me old one did, one that took TIME with me like my old one did, one that wasn't RACIST, one that LISTENED ... it took me a long time to find a new doctor. When my endocrinologist retired ... I was devastated and I went through a LONG period of time with no care because every endocrine I saw was HORRIBLE to me and ... and now with ophthalmology, it's back to square one.
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I have no idea what kind of care I'm about to get. I have no idea what kind of TREATMENT I'm going to receive. I have no idea if I'm going to be mistreated or if I am going to have to deal with microaggressions or those not so subtle judgments I get because I have Medicaid and because I am Black. I have no idea what is going to happen so I have my checklist out .... of course ... and I'm just preparing for what usually happens when I go to a new doctor. They don't listen. They don't care.
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This kind of situation, especially with doctors offices and new doctors, puts me SO on edge because of my history with some of the WORST and most racist people ever in the medical profession. I hate finding a new doctor. I hate searching and switching constantly and having to field abuse from them ... There is nothing that can prepare you for some of the shit doctors do and say and sometimes I wonder how these fiends are allowed to practice at all ...
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I have two things going for me today:
1. The doctor is a woman. That SOMETIMES is good. Sometimes it's actually bad especially if the woman is another culture ... sometimes I have had worse experiences from other members of the #GlobalMajority than even from just plain old white doctors.
2. @IronButterfly is going with me (we have back to back appointments and hers is first) so she can kind of warn me or I can go in with her and observe the doctor before I am seen.
It may sound strange but since the beginning of when I started going to doctors for anything which might shock you it was early 2000s ... I have had the LEAST amount of blatantly racist encounters with WHITE doctors. I have had plenty of white doctors (especially men) who have been horrible and obvious racists, but honestly it's been with female doctors who were non-white that I have had the worst experiences ...
By non-white I don't mean Black ... and this is because I've NEVER had a Black doctor of any gender until just a couple of years ago ... and she's absolutely the best doctor I've ever had and I don't even need to see her often. When I do ... it's AMAZING. She's amazing.
It's been rough for me since the end of last year for different reasons ... and as resilient as I am ... things do take a toll ... so when I have to put so much energy into preparing to get treated like shit ... it's just like ... so exhausting ... and it really runs you down.
It's unrealistic and dangerous for me to be delusional and just expect everything to work out perfectly when I go out into the world. Statistically that doesn't even make any sense for ANYONE ... but especially not me as a Black woman going into a medical situation. I HAVE to be prepared to advocate extra for myself and deal with garbage attitudes and treatment ... I have to muster all this ENERGY and prep for it ... and its EXHAUSTING and frustrating ...
You know what I hate most about this reality?
It's the fact that I wake up on mornings like this ... PRAYING for kindness.
Do you know how disgusted that makes me feel? That I am sitting here wishing with all my might that I encounter KINDNESS and DECENCY today.
Why is this mine and other people's reality? Why is it that we cannot just go out of our homes and into the world and feel safe?
Why do I have to WISH FOR KINDNESS TODAY ....
It just makes me so sick and, again, exhausted ...
I hope I don't have a racist doctor.
I hope I don't encounter microaggressions from the staff because I have Medicaid.
I hope I don't get dismissive and racist comments from the doctor.
I hope the doctor doesn't talk over me and treat me like I don't know my own health or body.
I hope I don't get SHOT just because I present more masculine or because someone decides I don't deserve to live.
Like ... WHY ARE THESE THE HOPES???
Why is this the reality I have to live in? That many people have to live in every single day .... ? How is anyone expected to THRIVE with these kinds of constant concerns and fears .... ?
Just ...
It becomes too much sometimes.
On top of it all ... my #chronicpain is flaring today ... so like ... I have to MASK THE HELL out of everything today on top of going out with all of this anxiety and worry ...
And please believe me I am well aware that my concerns and issues are very mild compared to other people in the world ... but this isn't the Struggle Olympics. I don't believe in that shit at all. We ALL suffer in different ways and for different reasons. We ALL have realities that can be crushing to our minds, bodies, and spirits ... that is why we all need to support and uplift each other instead of playing some game where we see who suffers more or who is more deserving of support.
𝘐'𝘮 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘛𝘙𝘜𝘎𝘎𝘓𝘌 𝘖𝘓𝘠𝘔𝘗𝘐𝘊𝘚, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘖𝘗𝘗𝘙𝘌𝘚𝘚𝘐𝘖𝘕 𝘖𝘓𝘠𝘔𝘗𝘐𝘊𝘚, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘐𝘚𝘌𝘙𝘠 𝘙𝘌𝘓𝘈𝘠𝘚, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 #𝘊𝘏𝘙𝘖𝘕𝘐𝘊𝘐𝘓𝘓𝘕𝘌𝘚𝘚 𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘓𝘐𝘚𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘐𝘕𝘎, 𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘌𝘙𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘕𝘋𝘐𝘕𝘎, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘜𝘗𝘗𝘖𝘙𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 ... 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵. 𝘓𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦𝘴. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 "𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨". - Me
Instead of spending time and energy MEASURING everyone's misery levels and deciding who is more miserable or who is suffering more ... how about you use that time and energy on something other than judgement ... how about you maybe extend whatever you have to help uplift someone in some way or offer some emotional or physical assistance where you can ...
Put more kindness and decency out into the world so the rest of us don't have to spend what little energy we have PRAYING FOR IT every minute of the day ...
Just a thought.
Even on my WORST day, I am still always putting energy into thinking of others and that's simply because I don't want to be one of those dark spots in someone's life who is already struggling to get through the day.
You know that feeling when you're barely hanging on and you just could use ONE TINY BIT of light or kindness ... and you never get it. Instead you get another person who is taking their frustration and misery out on you?
I never want to be that person to someone.
I always try to be exactly what I would need from someone ... even if I have a HAIR of energy left and I think someone else could use that smile or that moment of help or whatever ... I give it. Even if it's the last bit I have holding myself together. And I CAN because I have good support around me and I have people like @IronButterfly who can help me replenish and be ok when I have nothing left when I get home from the world. I have support and many people do not so I do my BEST daily to give.
@thewebrecluse Well said. Bravo! 🙏🙂
@thewebrecluse I always learn so much from your posts. I like to think of myself as enlightened, woke, whatever you want to call it. But reading how racism and all the other “ism’s” so deeply affects your life, is eye opening and humbling. I hope the new doctor is a good one.
@Smccune55 I DEEPLY appreciate you receiving my posts, my honesty, my reality with such openness and understanding. Sure this isn't the same reality as everyone else and not all Black people experience what I have. I only ever speak from just my personal experiences and share how I deal or cope (or don't). Everyone has different struggles and we all have different realities. Things happen differently for all of us. ❤️ We have to do what we can to stay strong and understanding.
@thewebrecluse Indeed we do. Btw, I followed your friend-she must be a very special person.
@Smccune55 @IronButterfly Yes she is. We've been friends for 30 years. She's absolutely essential. My other tribemate isn't on social media but he's just as amazing. We've all been living together and creating the kind of family we wish we had growing up for decades now. ❤️ I'm grateful for both of them.
@thewebrecluse @IronButterfly
I’m so happy you found each other!
@thewebrecluse alas, I hear you. When my former doctor retired, he sent me to a non-white woman doctor.
She was one of the most sexist doctors I ever, ever have dealt with. And nasty-tempered, too. Granted, I'm sure she had her own struggles, but her professional demeanor with regard to my chronic myofascial pain syndrome was as bad if not worse than some male doctors I've had.
Then again, with my allergies and all, I'm used to doctors not taking me seriously. Alas.
@thewebrecluse @IronButterfly so glad you have an advocate with you!
@thewebrecluse no kidding! And if you're not the typical submissive female...any more I don't have a lot of confidence in doctors. And I'm a pale-hued woman of Medicare age. Which says something about the state of medical care in this country.
It happens sure. Doctors retire or leave or ... worse sometimes. It's part of life, I understand that at the base level ... but for someone like myself it's rough to just find someone else especially in a medical sense.
My quality of care ALWAYS changes when good doctors leave for whatever reason. When non-racist, non-rude, non-fatist, just non-shitty doctors leave, I have to start all over again with terrible care, with switching from practice to practice, with trauma from bad treatment.
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