#FirstCoffeeThoughts

I am going out today to look at RVs.

I doubt very much we will end up buying one given all the horror stories I've been reading about, the lawsuits with RV companies, the ongoing expense and maintenance, gas and diesel prices, safety concerns, declining quality of builds, and numerous other downsides. But I still want to check some out and just see what's out there.

Our appointment isn't until noon but already my stress is sky high and my checklist has begun ...

1/

When I was younger the only thing I tended to worry about was if someone called me sir because I present rather masculine and this is even after shaving. I have always been MoC (Masculine of Center) which back in the day was simply called "being a tomboy" and occasionally people would call me sir if they weren't paying attention. These days, of course, it's more that people think I'm transitioning in some direction they can't determine and it comes with more a hostility than a "oops sorry".

2/

I have a checklist of things I go through to prepare for any time spent outside where I will encounter strangers ... this is both a checklist to account for high anxiety, gender concerns, racial concerns, and generalized "crazy people" concerns as the world has gone batshit crazy. I have always had a checklist ... but in the past 10 years it's gotten longer and more complicated.

The exhausting checklist is one of the reasons why I do not ever leave my house unless absolutely necessary ...

3/

If you are someone who has no checklist whatsoever ... you must be someone of a very high level of privilege and congratulations.

It must be really nice to just wake up, get dressed, and go out to run errands or enjoy lunch out somewhere or meet with friends and have absolutely not one worry or concern at all about how you will be treated or if you will be safe or even make it down the highway without being pulled over and shot for no reason.

That must be incredible. No sarcasm.

4/

I have been communicating with the very nice man at the RV dealership for about a week.

He texted me and said if I had any questions he'd be happy to answer them and he's been incredibly generous with his time and I have been repeatedly telling him how thankful and grateful I am that he's been so kind.

As a salesman I'm sure this is part of his who schtick to sell RVs but still ... he was answering questions even over the weekend very kindly and politely with smatterings of smile emojis.

5/

My first thought on my checklist is always ...

1. What happens when I get there and he sees I'm Black. How does this change his attitude? How will he treat me? The same still? Or will his attitude change?

I go by Elaine which I have been told is "misleading" so people don't expect a Black person ... that's fair-ish I guess.

So the first thing is preparing for that change in his attitude even in a subtle sense. I prepare myself for microaggression and macro ones as well.

6/

2. How I present. I have large breasts and I present rather masculine and - now that I've stopped shaving and hiding most of my #hirsutism - I have a pretty epic mustache.

I have tattoos, piercings, and a deep-ish voice. I tend to pitch up my voice on the phone and in the world so that white people don't freak out. When I present more friendly they tend to overlook how I appear.

This is automatic ... and many Black people do this sometimes unconsciously.

I try to put people at ease.

7/

This third one depends on where I'm going and the circumstances:

3. Rudeness and generally sus behavior. This could be because the person is racist or transphobic or misogynist or just plain an asshole.

I need to mentally prepare for it either way ... I need to make sure I am ready for whatever crazy and negative shit is out there so I don't allow it to infect me or shift me into a negative space.

People are awful for all kinds of reasons.

Salesmen can be rough and pushy and rude.

8/

I'm not an angry or remotely aggressive person but most strangers who meet me for the first time make a lot of assumptions purely based on how I present.

I have to make extra effort, especially these days, to always make sure that my attitude, my tone of voice, how I carry myself ... everything is in alignment with making sure not to make people feel threatened in any way or to appear threatening.

White people especially are very jumpy and quick to Karen or Ken out over small things.

9/

The sheer amount of emotional, mental, and psychological effort and preparation I have to go through is exhausting and those are just the first 3 things on my checklist. There are other things too but those are the main things I have to do the MOST work for.

I'd love to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of it or who doesn't give a shit what people do or say and can do or say whatever they want if people are rude to me etc.

That would be amazing.
But that's not my reality.

10/

I always take @IronButterfly with me when I'm going into new situations ... mainly, and she knows this, because her white adjacency is helpful and because she can tell very quickly when I've become uncomfortable and I need help navigating things or extracting myself.

The more anxious or on edge I am, the more polite I become so she can tell just by my words and demeanor when it's time for an escape plan because my Darkman watch is going off 🤣 (IYKYK).

11/

I will enjoy my coffee ... relax ... meditate ... go through my checklist and prepare for noon.

Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised by how things go when I am out.

Sometimes people are better than I expect them to be (not often), sometimes situations go smoothly and I don't have to do with microaggressions from people (not often).

Sometimes I have a genuinely great experience out ... but I have to make sure to be fully prepared for that not happening ... especially these days.

𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥.

𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘶𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵; 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵.

- Marcus Aurelius

#stoicism

𝘞𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺. - Seneca

Seneca and I aren't always in agreement and of course, from his perspective things would have been quite different. I think it's important to be aware of all the things that COULD happen to you in the world ... especially if you are a member of the #GlobalMajority ... I don't think that's pessimism or paranoia. That is REALITY and you have to be vigilant.

Also on my checklist ... the fact that I will be wearing a mask. I have not 1, but 2, autoimmune diseases. I do not take any chances with people because I do not trust people to be as health conscious as I am ... ESPECIALLY these days. This guy is a salesman who spends probably all day talking to people without a mask ... I am not gonna be up in an enclosed RV with someone who I don't know the health situation of. But you know some people are anti mask and shit so you have to deal with that too.

At the same time ... wearing my mask puts me at ease about not having to deal with anyones reaction to my #hirsutism ... as you all know from my previous threads on it ... my mustache I'm letting grow naturally and I am trying to take pride in how I naturally look ... but I also know that people will give me shit about it - including my own father who I will be seeing today. Wearing the mask means I don't have to deal with THAT today too ... because that's exhausting.

It's all exhausting and difficult and in other ways scary AF and I feel like my life is at risk for one reason or another when I do have to go out into the world ... and also not just because of how people may react to me ... but just crazy people in general who carry guns around and are trigger happy and angry about everything and are looking for people to hurt just because or because they are legitimately mentally ill. The world is quite dangerous for many reasons and that's the truth.

I've heard people say "don't live in fear" and mostly it's something I hear from people who have little reason to fear anything at all on a daily basis.

I don't consider hyper-vigilance to be simply fear ... I think heightened awareness in this day and age is necessary and a sign of high intelligence. The exhaustion of having to code switch and play a role and consider everyone else is what keeps me inside ... the masking and the tediousness of other people ... not simply fear.

Masking ALONE is exhausting and takes more strength than I have to allocate to it. Those of us who live with #chronicillness and #chronicpain have very little energy to put forth into extra things ... we're just trying to live and get through the day. Having to divert that energy into maintaining and doing all this Oscar worthy acting for the outside world is sometimes just not worth it.