RIP Donald Sutherland.

https://deadline.com/2024/06/donald-sutherland-dead-1235978933/

Went to the Denver Zoo today. I'm feeling a lot better since yesterday.

So, I just found out that one of my uncles is a raging transphobe.

There is now an empty spot in my heart where respect for him used to be. God dammit, it hurt so much to discover this.

I saw this on my way back from my mail route today. If he had thrown that out of his car, I might have been killed. IYKYK.

Why is it called creepypasta and not fettuccine afraido?

The reason I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple and it fucked everything up. #atheism #atheist

HOLY SHIT I FINALLY SAW ONE IN REAL LIFE!

*in Yakov Smirnoff voice* In Soviet Russia, mail delivers YOU!

Me after going to church for over 35 years and then realizing it's all bull 💩:

Religion is a blight on humanity. #atheism #atheist

Meanwhile, at a Voodoo Donuts shop in Denver, Colorado....😂 😂 😂 🍩 🍆

The world's worst butler: "No."

My doctor said, "Don't work out until you lose weight."

I said, "Ok, don't bill me until I pay you."

I think my doctor is a quack. I was in his office the other day and he told me "You ought to live to be 42 years old." I said "I AM 42 years old." The doctor said "See? I told you so."

Today makes 17 years to the day since I was hired by the postal service. I never thought I would make it this far.

One time I went to buy a pair of shoes. I walked into the shoe store and I said to the guy, "I need a size 12." He told me to wait and went in the back for a minute. Then he came back out and said "I don't have a 12 but I have an 11." I said "Well thank goodness for that, because while you were back there my toes got severed off."

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Sphynx.exe Version 2.0 needs an update. #catsofcoso

Me: Hey boss, I'd like some time off.

Supervisor: I'll need a formal request.

Me: Fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave from this hellhole.

I laughed WAY too hard at this 😂 🎃