I haven't had enough caffeine until I can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

In the locker room at work. Either there's a ghost, a video game character is clipping into the locker door, or this locker is REALLY happy to see me.

My cousin: My child is an angel!

Me: So was Lucifer.

I think Trump looks like he's made entirely out of recessive genes.

Why is it called a "sieve" and not a "hole bowl"?

Me: I need to head over to Walmart's garden center to get some clematis.

Friend: I wasn't aware you could get an STI in the garden center.

Me: That's chlamydia, you moron.

.

Sure, you might think you're old, but are you "manipulating the numbers on an early 90s calculator to spell out BOOBIES when it's turned upside down" old? #nostalgia

Me: I think the world is headed for an eventual cataclysm.

Friend: What does a summary of the Catholic Church's doctrine have to do with the world ending?

Me: That's catechism, idiot.

Me: Remember, when things seem bleak, just look to the horizon for a better tomorrow.

Friend: Yeah, I've been meaning to switch to a different plan. My current cell phone service sucks.

Me: That's Verizon, dumbass.

You jelly? #sealife

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

—William Blake

"I'm going to counter-almentate my aforementioned ingesta."

—How a scientist tells someone they're about to puke

Outside my eye doctor's office.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
And I am too.

Fuck autism with a goddamn cactus.

"Maintain your fecal cohesion."

—How a scientist tells someone to get their shit together.

You know how a sewage pipe is designed to take the shit away from your house? The internet is the same thing, but in reverse.

Friend: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell on the floor.

Friend: It sounded louder than that.

Me: I was in it.

HIYAAAA! 🥷📬