*baby crying on a plane*

Guy next to me: Can there be anything worse than a baby crying on a plane?

Me, pulling out my kazoo: Let's find out.

When you think about it, all weens are hollow.

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

What a great way to end a long day at work. 🌈

"DO NOT TOUCH" must be a terrifying thing to read in braille.

Me: Will I be ok, doc?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.

Me: I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc.

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.

How far is Agent Orange willing to reach for this election? This is getting ridiculous.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-falsely-accuses-harris-using-ai-rally_n_66b8f15ee4b0eabd23933d8c

Well, I finally did it. After using it for over 10 years, I finally deactivated and deleted my Twitter account (I have never, and will never, call it "X"). It was getting to be nothing but Trump and Musk crap all the time. Good riddance.

Having covid the past few days made me realize just how small my world can get when I'm bored as hell. I played Overwatch 2, Warframe, and Destiny 2, and I got bored quite quickly. I watched some YouTube, and got bored quickly. I even slept for about 4 hours. Fuck this sucks. Fortunately, I should be well enough to go back to work tomorrow (wearing a mask, of course.)

Fuck covid.

You must complete 21 laps around the giant fireball in space before you can drink the yellow plant liquid that makes you thirsty.

SOON, THE CLOWN SENTINELS WILL AWAKEN.

Wut? #catsofcoso

Chonk in the sonk. #catsofcoso

If you carve a pumpkin in September it's called premature ejackolantern.

Therapist: And what do we do when we're sad?

Me: Open the fridge.

Therapist: No...

(My first day as a doctor)

*patient comes in with a fractured spine*

Me: I'm afraid you've broken your bone rope.

Me: Hi, do you take walk-ins?

Morgue receptionist: What?

A friend of mine told me, "Yeah man, I cruise around town in a $50,000 Lexus!" I said, "So what? I cruise around town in a $200,000 Metro bus!"

This just in: A group of monks were seen selling flowers on the Playboy estate. Before the police arrived, the monks were chased off the property by Mr. Hefner. A police spokesman said, "It would seem that only Hugh can prevent florist friars."