2: Put margarine on your toast. That way if you drop it, it won't land butter side down.

1: I was the only person who turned up for the World camouflage championship...

4: If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door...

3: A ladder turned up-side down can be used for climbing down off things.

I’m heading home in about nine hours. Can’t get to sleep, a bit of a headache. Might be time to call for some extra pain relief

My pet salamander is called Tiny.

He’s my newt.

It was “Open Mike” night at the Autopsy Club’s weekly gathering last night.

44 day since I was last at home. The story so far: https://peemee.10centuries.org/2024/04/15/health-status

2: Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

1: You know what they say about cliffhangers…

4: I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said "That lizard’s really funny.”
The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon.”

3: One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends.
He's an anti-depress ant.

Spent the weekend making a Time Machine.

That’s eighteen hours of my life that I’ll get back.

If you put them in the wood chipper head first they don't scream as long.

I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer and just screaming for 6 weeks straight.

“Hello, Incontinence Hotline… Please hold.”

Me: I didn’t have time to go jogging today.

Them: You say that every day.

Me: It’s a running joke.

A Tibetan monk making his morning toast sees, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He says: "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

It’s a bit annoying because my fence has fallen over.

Were they just board?

Oh, look, now someone has taken a fence.

Some people just don’t respect boundaries.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

2: Just given up on trying to build a violin, it's too fiddley.

1: Q. Whit's the difference between the Sicilian Mafia and the Glaswegian Mafia?
A. The Sicilian Mafia makes you an offer you cannae refuse. The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you cannae understand.

4: Turquoise is the best colour.
It's been cyantifically proven.

3: It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you… they seem to get very upset.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me nauseous.