A baby harp seal goes into a bar. The barman says “What will you have, baby harp seal?”
The seal replies “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

Due to my age, people often mistake me for an adult.

Depression is, shall we say, not unknown to me. I can feel its insidiousness creeping in again and it's not very nice.

Just had a phone call from the dermatologist, the results of a barrage of blood tests (7 tubes used) are available. I made an appointment with my GP for 1pm today. Most tests were fine except I need vaccination against Hepatitis B. #TheJoyOfTheImmuneCompromisedLife

My wife and I got stuck in an
elevator and when we got
home, we told the story to
our kids. They just looked at
us and said,

"Soooo.....
...did ya get out?"

My wife and I looked at each
other and made a pact to
go ahead and start drinking
away their college fund.

2: Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman. I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop."

1: Got caught drink driving, the policeman asked how much alcohol have I’d had. I said “Two bottles of vodka and six cans of Guinness.”
He replied “Why the heck are you driving?”
I said “Because I can't walk.”

4: Her: He's probably thinking about other girls.
Him: Do Transformers have car insurance or life insurance?

3: A violinist and a cellist were found murdered last night.
Police think the crime was orchestrated.

2: No more celebrity worship. We should be engaging in celebrity sacrifice. It has reality TV written all over it. And there would be iterative spinoffs like Celebrity Sacrifice: Internet Influencer. Think about it.
Open the series with a bang. "This week we're killing Ricky Gervais, & all of the Kardashians!"

1: I know my phone has more computing power than what got us to the moon. But, if autocorrect was
piloting that spacecraft, there'd be three corpses
halfway to Alpha Centauri right now.

4: There should be an option to make your Roomba swear whenever it bumps into things.

3: I never finish anything I have a
black belt in partial arts.

How do you pick the difference between cow shit and bullshit?

Throw it up in the air. If it comes down, it’s cow shit. If it doesn’t, it’s bullshit!

2: I was just gifted the worst thesaurus l've ever seen.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

1: When you're with your best
friend, it doesn't matter whose idea it was, as long as your alibis match.

4: Met the horse of my dreams; it was a nightmare.

3: PacMan is a grim metaphor for compulsive eating while running away from your fears.

I have big trouble. Possible licence suspension after I hit my next door neighbour while reversing last week. Hit HIM, not his car. Need to supply VicRoads with a medical report for fitness to drive by Wednesday Jan 31 or suspension WILL occur on Feb 1. GP report can be done online and immediately uploaded to Medical Review section. Earliest GP appointment Tues 30th at noon, appointment made. I’m a wreck and on anti-anxiety pills.

2: Whenever I pour wine it goes everywhere.
I need glasses.

1: Flamingos are white, but often appear pink because their feathers are soaked in the blood of their enemies.

4: When my car broke down the AA man asked if I could try and start it in a different gear. That really upset me as l'd only just bought this suit.

3: Spent 2 years and $10,000 publishing my autobiography.
Not a single copy sold.
Story of my life!

16: A blackout is life threatening because the air conditioner and fans stop working.
17: You keep everything in the fridge, including clothing.
18: The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
19: You worry the ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill you.
20: You laugh because you know this list is so accurate.

9: Your biggest bicycle fear is "what if I get knocked out and end up cooking on the road".
10: You realise asphalt is a liquid state.
11: Farmers are feeding chickens ice to prevent hard boiled eggs.
12: The trees are whistling for dogs.
13: Shopping Centres are temples where you worship air conditioning.
14: Sticking your head in freezers is considered normal.
15: A cup full of ice is considered a great snack.


You know it's HOT in Australia when....

1: The best carpark is determined by shade, not distance.
2: Hot water comes out of both taps.
3: You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a good branding iron.
4: The temp drops below 32ºC and you feel chilly.
5: You learn it only takes 2 fingers to steer a car.
6: You can sunburn through the windscreen of a car.
7: You develop a fear of door handles.
8: You break into a sweat at 7am.

A Turkish proverb: "The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the Axe, for the Axe was clever and convinced the Trees that because his handle was made of wood, he was one of them."

Anyone who knows me in person would think that cartoon was the cover page of my autobiography...