I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. "Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?" he asked.

"A bit, now and then," I replied, "but I only sell to friends."

So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated.

Sorry. In, undated.

Animal psychologists really get my goat.

You spell it 'QUEUE' because the 'Q' is the one at the front actually doing what it needs to, and the others are just waiting in line behind it.

Getting a gift sorted for Valentine’s Day. How many roses is the right amount? 12? 24? A whole tin?

It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, and love* is in the air all over the world.

*also, coronavirus

My order of coffee beans from afar has arrived approximately 20 hours later than usual. But severe flooding in the southeastern part of the state of Queensland (shipper/roaster is in the far north) will have slowed the delivery options.

Slow progress.

My Viagra addiction...

Was the hardest time of my life.

What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit, Sherlock.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: “Dad can’t you just use a sponge?”

I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

All the seats were already taken.

What is the most effective way to quit being vegan?

Cold turkey.

Who can drink 20 litres of gasoline?

Jerry can.

My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school.

One was Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.

What should you do if you’re addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier.

But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time...

Your body takes a screenshot.

When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

Installed an update to SoftMaker Office 2018 on my Catalina MacBook Pro & Mojave iMac. All was OK on the iMac but the other was an abortion, settings wouldn't stay set, default document format kept returning to what I would never use & the user info template would not be saved.
Used an app called Find Any File to track down & delete any remnants of SoftMaker other than emails. Reinstalled the new version and everything now behaves as it should.
https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=SoftMaker