I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me nauseous.

Because we eat so many of its eggs around Easter, the Cadbury Creme is almost extinct.

Now in a rehab hospital.

Today one of the wandering doctors told me I was being transferred from this public hospital to a private rehab facility within 2 hours.

@0x56 My phone doesn’t have autocarrot. Instead it has ottokorrupt.

What do you call a bedpan in Russia?

A Poo-tin!

This multi-week hospital stay was brought to you by Septic Arthritis.

Sometimes I put holes in the ground.

I tell people it’s boring, but I dig it.

Someone fell in one once.

They didn’t see that well.

On top of all my problems, one of my close cousins, 2 weeks older than myself has late stage uterine cancer. She and her rather older husband had been setting up their retirement in the high likelihood of her outliving him. That’s now improbable. Their three kids are in their late 20s/early 30s.

Any girls out there named Heather? I really don’t want to change my tattoo.

How sad it must be: believing that scientists, scholars, historians, economists, and journalists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you, while a reality TV star with decades of fraud and exhaustively documented lying is your only beacon of truth and honesty.

I have the brain of an 8-yr-old child. In a jar on my desk.

I have the heart of a warrior, the brain of an engineer, the legs of a runner, and the upper body of a weight lifter, but I think I'm out of room in the freezer.

I bought a suit jacket from the Mamas and the Papas, all the sleeves were brown and the tie was grey…

2: Everyone who tastes my home-made wine says it tastes horrible. I think it's just sour grapes.

1: My dyslexia has just hit a new owl.

4: Charles Dickens walks into a cocktail bar ~ the Bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”

3: After 10 pints I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road. So I took the basket home to finish it.

They’re going for a repeat of the knee flush out tomorrow.

@EileenKCarpenter walked 8 metres to the toilet today

2: Quantum physicists - "So if we put a cat into a box..."

Cat owners - "Yeah, good luck with that."

1: A friend gave me a roll of bubble wrap. As I had no where to store it, I had to pop it in a corner.

4: You can fix any loose key on your computer keyboard with superglue.
Just be careful you donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

3: I don't wanna get too emotional but man oh man, every time I put the car in reverse it takes me back.