Doing everything else we have, the hyper independence, shutting out anything that isn't phdm is essentially this giant trauma response to intense rejection that we can't do anything about. The feeling of completely powerlessness within it is just like repeating years and years of the same rejection, trauma, pain. I've been trying to rediscover the joy we had for music and life but it also means we've remembered the reason that we lost it in the first place.
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Its not 'only' a trauma response but the intense rejection and pain certainly fuels a lot of the isolationist aspects of it. I know its probably the same everywhere for any artist but its been decades of this for us and a lot of the rejection has, at times, been extremely violent and hate filled from us being LBGT.