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oof, realising that you've shut off all the love/joy from music because of the overhanging feeling of being 'not good enough' and intense rejection from not being able to play out. So much of the pure joy we had with playing and making music has been missing the last year and a half because it amplifies the feeling of rejection and pain from being completely cut out of the nz music scene.
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Doing everything else we have, the hyper independence, shutting out anything that isn't phdm is essentially this giant trauma response to intense rejection that we can't do anything about. The feeling of completely powerlessness within it is just like repeating years and years of the same rejection, trauma, pain. I've been trying to rediscover the joy we had for music and life but it also means we've remembered the reason that we lost it in the first place.
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@lilyunsub I actually understand where you're coming from with this. As a sketch and AI artist I have a lot of rejection sensitivity because of how I was raised in the trauma that I had to survive. Many of us actually have rejection sensitivity and trauma responses to rejection even in the slightest manner and it is one reason why when I post anything I'm extremely attached to creatively I asked for people to be gentle in their criticisms.
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@PaganMother My capacity for rejection atm is so drastically low that I'll probably crumble into an emotional wreck so I've stopped any possibility of anyone being able to reject me at all, personally, professionally, everything. I'm sorry you grew up in that kind of trauma too ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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@lilyunsub I'm sorry that you did too it's okay to give yourself space to actually recover from any kind of negativity there's no harm in that. It's something that I've learned that I needed to do for myself too.
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@lilyunsub it helps to know that someone actually values my heart, I actually really relate to that song river that you created it moves me in such an incredible way.
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Its not 'only' a trauma response but the intense rejection and pain certainly fuels a lot of the isolationist aspects of it. I know its probably the same everywhere for any artist but its been decades of this for us and a lot of the rejection has, at times, been extremely violent and hate filled from us being LBGT.