Emotion/Psychological suggestion request:
I caught a lot of verbal abuse growing up, and the net effect is that I take nearly any criticism or raised voices as a reason to get into heated defensive arguments (irrespective of whether I’m right or wrong about whatever it is).
Has anyone found a way to help mitigate the hair trigger response kind of deal? I can always see it in retrospect and make apologies, but it’d be better all around if I could interrupt the reflex.
I see guidance like “take a deep breath” which isn’t within my ability when the ‘red mist’ descends. Any ideas?
@MrGoat I have smoked a proper ton, and it helped a little, but I’ve had to give up on weed as it began causing anxiety when I sleep. I miss it, for sure.
@MookyTroubadour maybe find a lower dose thc strain or at least a strain that doesnt give you anxiety.
I'm really sorry you endured abuse growing up.
Hair triggers are very hard to control. I used to lash out when my anxiety ran hot. I've learned to stop, breathe and think before reacting. It took a lot of practice. Nothing works overnight.
I suggest checking Amazon for self help books on the topic.
Whatever you try, please be kind and patient with/to yourself. Learning new behaviors takes time, but it is possible. 💞
@JoyfullyDazed I’m less motivated with being kind/patient with myself as I am the people close to me. They’ve suffered this for far too long, frankly. I should be further along at this juncture.
Honestly, you can't fix situations with others until you fix yourself. It's understandable that you'd be focused on those you're close to. You've been through a lot, and it sounds like you have immense empathy for others. But you are important, too.
There's a book called Us:
"Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset—one that will allow you to get past your knee-jerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self."
The description says it for marriage, but I read it because I believe the suggestions in the book can be applied to all relationships.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the solution you're searching for. You deserve peace. 💞
They usually say "Count to ten," but I think something a little more concrete is required here.
Give yourself a list of ten things that you will require yourself to do before you allow yourself to respond. Start with just one, something really simple, like "Tear up a small sheet of paper" or "Stretch a rubber band three times." Then add increasingly difficult things, like "Write out the first ten prime numbers" or "Say the alphabet backwards to yourself."
In principle, the preoccupation with these small tasks will take you past the time when responding forcefully seems like an imperative.
It may work, it may not. You can only give it a try.
@DavidSalo I’m willing to try. It seems daunting, given the immediacy and fierceness of my mental shift, which alone really ought to be enough of a sign. You know, like “hey- you weren’t raging just a moment ago…”
@MookyTroubadour It takes practice. and recognizing it when it happens. It is hard to deprogram. first start on being able to acknowledge it is happening AS it happens. Anger will make some responses feel more appropriate. the rational mind goes away a lot when we're angry. when we've been raised to go nuclear for a spot on a dish. And we look back and think "I was out of line."
We just have to train different responses. Or in some cases, get out of abusive situations which reinforce them.
@sentientdessert I think I’m faced with someone close who has a similar kind of snap issue. That is to say, I don’t think it is abusive in either direction, but wow is it unfortunate and volatile sometimes when we set each other off.
In the past six months or so, I’ve been able a few times to be the one who keeps it together and diffuses the scene, but last week neither of us could and it’s shown me how much more there is to do. :/
@MookyTroubadour Do not take backsteps as a sign the problem's not getting better.
It can be depressing but doesn't really prove that it's continuing. If that were to become the norm, then it would be problematic.
But focus on the progress, and address the slip ups, but the slip ups are proof you're making some progress. You're able to identify them, and hopefully look back on them and see what happened.
@MookyTroubadour I could get pretty heated in my younger days At some point, I was able to get myself to just turn around and walk away, regain some composure, and then re-engage on a more stable and open level. I'm not sure that I could detail the mechanisms involved for me, but I think @DavidSalo is on to something. It's helpful to interrupt the rhythm of it.
@MookyTroubadour smoke more weed